Empty holes

Today I ventured somewhere I haven't in a while. I entered the hole inside my heart. This hole is slowly closing and becoming a permanent scar but today I opened it a little bit more. I don't like to go there, the pain is too much for me. But sometimes I will hear or read something that will cause it to rip open again and I can't push the pain away. Today is one of those days. It actually started yesterday but I ignored the pain until it was too much. Last night I read a friends blog about her project finishing up. She lost a baby shortly after birth and started Angel babies to help others with their loss. This year she was making gowns, blankets, and bracelets for the local hospital for those sweet angel babies. I had offered to help and she sent me the pattern to make some gowns. We both thought that it would be beneficial for me and hopefully therapeutic. Unfortunately the pattern came at a very low point for me and I shoved it into a drawer. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to face the pain any more. Yesterday as I read her update I was again taken back to my own day. August 1, a day I can't forget. A day my life came crashing down around me. That was enough for me and I closed the site and occupied my mind elsewhere.

This morning as I got in the shower I couldn't hide it anymore. The thoughts were too powerful to push away and the pain too unbearable. Why is it that the shower is always the place that makes me break down? Today the tears began flowing as I replayed that day. How sad I am that I never got to see or hold my little boy. Oh how I wish our hospital had an advocate like Heidi to help those that don't know what to do. My biggest regret is not seeing him and holding him. I didn't know how to ask or if they would even let me. I was too numb and in shock to think clearly about what I wanted. How empty I feel right now. My arms ache to hold him, cuddle him, and kiss him.

I have several friends with fertility problems and I am beginning to understand some of their pain. Yesterday I found out a very dear person is pregnant. I am so utterly happy for her but it only serves as a reminder of what I don't have. A couple months ago I had three people announce their pregnancy in one weekend. It was a difficult time for me. While odds are that I can become pregnant, my odds are dropping in carrying a successful pregnancy. This month marks the one year of when I got pregnant. It is hard to hit that mark. I thought everything was going to be ok. I had my horrid morning sickness, I passed the magical 12 week mark, I felt the baby move, we heard his heartbeat several times. But nothing is ever for sure. No matter how much I want a baby I can't even think about getting pregnant again right now. It is all too fresh in my mind, I have too much fear. I am also beginning to doubt that I could get pregnant. My body is still a mess even after 7 months. But the biggest reason is that I emotionally just can't do it.

I am trying so hard to accept what I have, 3 beautiful children. They are everything to me! But I can't help missing the one that is gone. How differently our lives would be right now. Who would he look like, what would we have named him, how much Nicholas would have adored him. I would give anything to have those sleepless nights with a newborn, the colic, the exhaustion, the struggles. I would take every one of them. Instead I sit here crying like a baby, wishing that my arms will be full again someday and the hole in my heart will continue to heal. I know I will forever have a scar there to remind me of my little boy. He will never be gone from my memories. I know there will be more days like today but I also know they are getting farther apart. I am able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Someday the pain will be replaced with unimaginable joy and on days like today I hold onto that to get me through.