Where do I begin?

I don't even know how to begin this. How do you even start to tell people? I need to get it out and over with though. I guess that is it. I'll just blurt it out. Today my baby is gone. My precious baby boy that was supposed to join our family in December is gone. My emotions are so raw right now. In trying to protect myself, I have been sitting in a dazed stupor all afternoon feeling nothing but numbness. Oh I cried all right. I cried waiting for the dr, I cried as soon as I saw that sweet baby on the screen and instantly knew there was no heartbeat. I cried and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Before I knew it I was at the hospital waiting for the D&C. At first it wasn't too bad and then the cramping started and all the blood. Gushing and gushing. I felt like I was in labor, which I guess I was. I just kept thinking it isn't fair. Twenty four hours ago everything was fine, or so I thought. The baby stopped growing about two weeks ago. I really wonder if the dr really heard the heart beat at the last appt. I have been so worried ever since that appointment. I guess I had always known deep down that something wasn't right. That darn feeling in the back of my mind that I couldn't push out no matter how hard I tried. I just convinced myself that I just worry to much and it was my normal overreaction. Oh how I wish that were it. I just wish this were all a bad dream I can wake up from.

Because of my low blood pressure and the blood loss and cramping they rushed me into surgery. I was glad to not have to wait until 5:30 like originally planned but I was so scared. As I sat there looking in the operating room I couldn't take it anymore. I just sobbed and sobbed. Then they wheeled me in, gave me a cocktail of something and as I watched them set up the room around me, I slipped into unconsciousness. A while later I woke up and it was all over. My baby was gone. The dr had told Nathaniel that it was a perfectly formed baby boy. I guess everything went well and now we wait and wait for the testing to find out the reason this happened.

Coming home it was pouring rain. A perfect thing to fit my mood. I contemplated what we would tell the girls when we got home. How do you tell your kids that the baby they have been so anxious to have come will not be coming? Will they understand what is going on? How will I answer the questions that they will have? We finally told them before bed. Madeleine looked so heartbroken. Victoria just wanted to know why the dr took the baby out of my tummy. I am not sure they really understand I still expect lots of questions. It is so hard to talk to them without breaking down in tears. I am trying to be strong but it is so hard.

I feel so empty inside now. I didn't realize how it would feel physically. I am not in pain but I feel hollow inside now. Like a hole is where my baby should be. I know it may sound morbid but I wish I could have seen the baby. Just to say goodbye and have some closure. It is so hard going into the hospital pregnant and leaving not pregnant and not having a baby in my arms. I was so excited to have this baby join our family. He was going to be Nicholas' little buddy. They were going to have so much fun growing up together. He was going to complete our family. I can't even fathom being pregnant again. Maybe in time but it will be a very long time before I entertain that idea. For now I just sit here numb trying not to sink into the depression that is waiting for me.