Another step

Saturday was a hard day! I woke up just feeling sad. Nothing big, I just felt sad. I went about my day doing things to stay busy and that worked to push things away. That night was our adult session of Stake conference. I had felt the need to be there so I went. Nathaniel stayed home with the kids because we didn't have a babysitter. I was hoping that by going I would have some startling revelation that would help me work through the sadness and despair I was feeling. I should have known that you can't bargain with Heavenly Father. I didn't receive any major revelations to the questions I had. I did listen and know the things that I need to improve in our home and in my personal life. That is probably why I needed to be there. I have let too many things slide.

My step in moving on came at the end. I had been holding back tears during the whole meeting. I have been on the verge of tears many times during the past week but could never let the tears come. While many have said I have been amazing in dealing with this, I was starting to feel like I had some sort of weird glitch in my brain so that I was able to move on so easily. At the end of the meeting my friend and visiting teacher came up to give me something. She had been out of town during this whole ordeal and I could tell she didn't know what had happened. I had to tell her that my baby had died. This was the first time I had to do this. I let Nathaniel tell everyone the first day. I had answered lots of questions from people that already knew and that was actually pretty easy. But to actually tell someone nearly killed me. There I was in the chapel bawling like a baby. She put her arms around me and just let me sob while she cried with me. It is weird to say but it felt so good to let those tears out. I didn't realize until that moment how much I needed to cry. I had been pushing it down and moving on. After some comforting words from her and another friend I went to the bathroom and cried some more. I gained enough composure to walk to my car and then cried the whole way home. I walked in and practically ran to Nathaniel and sobbed in his arms.

Even though it made me cry so much to tell someone, I survived it! I was able to gain some insight through all the pain it caused. I learn some of the most important things when I feel like I am at the bottom. I felt human again to finally be able to show emotion. I can move on through this. I will learn from this and become a better person. It is through the refiners fire that we become who our Heavenly Father knows we can become and who He wants us to be. Richard G Scott said:

"When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence
that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish
you for our everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

I read this every day. I need to print it out on a seperate piece of paper and tape it through out the house. I do not enjoy the pain I endure but my Heavenly Father knows I can grow from this and He has faith in me. That is enough to help me move forward. I have several other quotes that I love to read that help me. I am so thankful to a sweet friend that has given me so many things to read to help get through this. It really helps to surround myself with uplifting things.

Since I have started this post I have had two phone calls that I had to let know about the baby. I am grateful I had the experience Saturday to help make it easier for me to let others know. As I begin to live my life again I know I will have more people to tell. I will continue taking it day by day, step by step.