I have never hated a piece of mail more than this. I knew they would start coming. I remembered filling out the little paper when I first went to the dr. I figured there was no database letting the formula companies know that someone is no longer in need of their offerings. I hoped that somehow my information would be lost and I would not start receiving it. But no, there it was sitting in my mailbox the first week of December. A nice reminder of what should have been.
Today was the hardest by far though. Today was a day I have been dreading since meet the teacher day at Madeleine's school. Today was Madeleine's school Christmas party. I feel horrible having such animosity towards a person I don't even know. It isn't her fault that she is having a baby boy just days before I should be having mine. I am happy for her, I really am. It is just so difficult listening to someone talk about how miserable they are and how none of their clothing fits when that is all I wish I was going through right now. I tried, I really tried to keep a straight and calm face. I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore her and the beautiful belly holding her precious baby. Then Mrs Bewley asked me if I was doing ok and the tears just started flowing. They wouldn't stop. I sat there sobbing like a baby in the middle of a bunch of people that had no idea the pain I was hiding.
It meant a lot to me that her teacher was thinking of me. I know most people won't remember what this month was supposed to be. The joys it was supposed to bring. The precious baby boy that should be making his presence any day now. A closet full of all those adorable newborn clothes. We should have a room all ready with a name picked out. Instead I will try to survive this month one day at a time. It is going to be hard but I know I will make it. There will be a lot of down days with a lot of tears. But through it all I remember that I am lucky. I have the gospel, I have answers to prayers, I have three beautiful kids to love on, I have a sweet husband that is always there for me, and most importantly I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is crying with me and holding my hand through all of this. For all of these and more I am grateful.
10 comments:
I am so sorry. I truly understand the dread of when that dreaded month arrives. It's not easy. Yes one day at a time. You will survive. You will make it. You will cry and have those moments but you will survive. Love ya. Prayers are with ya.
I'm so sorry, good luck making it through the holidays!
Grief can be overwhelming---overshadowing any joy. I'm so sorry. Sometimes getting through it is all you can hope for. I look forward to the day when I won't hate this month. That day will come for both of us.
You're doing great!
I am so sorry you have to endure this. I love you.
It's awful and terrible, and I don't know what to say to help you get through it. My experience was a little different, since my grief came before I had any children. I used to loathe October, but I just now actually had to sit and think before I remembered that my late miscarriage even happened then. Maybe enough time has passed? Maybe I found a way to replace the sorrow with joy in Kyle? The empty hole is always there, but maybe we make it smaller by filling it with other things and by letting time try to close the wound.
I have been thinking about you a lot this month, wondering how you were feeling. But I didn't want to say anything. I don't know if people can really understand if they haven't gone through it themselves. I never would have thought about what you were receiving in the mail. Maybe Nathaniel will have to get the mail the rest of the month, even though I am sure he is hurting too. You are such a great mom. We are hurting for you and praying for you!
*hugs* remember that you are a very strong women and that you have the gospel to help you through this and you have a loving family and loving friends who are here for you.
I understand.
I don't have any deep thoughts to uplift you because it is still a struggle for me.
Just please know that you are not alone in your grief.
I can't even imagine how hard this month is for you. But you are stronger than you think you are and you will endure just like you have been!
I am so excited that you guys are coming for Christmas can't wait to see you:)
Danielle, I'm sorry. I hated that part too. Here are a couple of addresses that you can contact to hopefully stop the formula and other "goodies" from coming:
To stop the majority of mailings of baby supplies to your home, contact the following:
Direct Marketing Association
Mail Reference Service
P.O. Box 9008
Farmingdale, NY 11735
To stop phone solicitations:
Direct Marketing Association
Phone Reference Service
P.O. Box 9014
Farmingdale, NY 11735
I still got diapers occasionally for another year or so after Elizabeth died, and it was a slap in the face each time. I hated it.
If you're up to it, I'd suggest hanging a stocking for your little babe and finding an angel ornament to put in it. We do it each year, and I hang all the angels near the top of the tree. It's a very simple but meaningful tradition for me and my family.
Hang in there.
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